Coal for Christmas

You know, I never got coal for Christmas, ever. Take a wild guess as to what I asked for from every Mall Santa I ever saw.(insert guess) ________________. If you wrote a dog, you are wrong. If you wrote, peace in Africa, again you are wrong. If you wrote Coal then you are absolutely right. I really really wanted coal for Christmas, I would drop small hints to my family like " Hey, I think it would be really cool to get coal for Christmas." OR, " Hey, maybe you should get Kami coal for Christmas, I always wanted it." Alas, the coal never came.

I often tell people that when I have a child I will buy him/ her coal for christmas, and those people usually laugh until they realize I'm dead serious and then their jaw hooks slightly and a desperate look of concern for the future strikes their face. "That's not nice"....

The reasons I wanted coal:
I learned at a young age that Santa "wasn't real." I was that kid who shakes the presents trying to guess what was inside, pushing buttons on things and trying to figure it out. Then, at the wondefully young age of 4 I discovered a WHOLE WEEK before Christmas that there were already 2 gifts under the tree whose "from" read... "from Santa" at first I think I just figured Santa couldn't realistically fly around the world in one night so he must either A) start a week early and visit a different continent a night, or B) that Santa just magicked them into the house.. I mostly thought it was B.... until i mentioned it to my mom, and she said "Oh shit, I meant to write from MOM"

Wanting coal in some ways stemmed from this, because I knew only Santa would have the courage to be honest enough with a spoiled child to give him/ her coal.

A) Wanting coal sort of kept my belief in Santa alive.
B) Wanting coal made me feel smarter than everyone else-
I knew that nobody got coal which made it highly covetted. I rationalized that no average or reasonable parent would buy this for their child because adults think children are dumb and that this scene would occur:

"Santa gave me coal daddy, nobody loves me"
"but we love you son"
"BUT YOU'RE NOT SANTA!!!!" ( then the parents collapse in tears upon realizing an imaginary figure is of more importance to their child than they are, the child rips out his eyes and jumps out the window while the parents cry about their worthlessness)

That is dumb.... That would never happen....  I knew that, I hoped my parents knew that. So I wanted what nobody else got, the beloved coal!!!!!

C)I would have something to brag about. Yes friends, If I had received coal I really would have told EVERYONE at school how happy I was about it. I probably would have drown a face on it so when everyone else was playing with their pet rock I would be playing with my slightly more poisonous and slightly more flammable pet coal.


I contend that it is totally OK to give my child a lump of coal because
A) Your child is probably not an idiot and will either get the joke, think its awesome, or reevaluate just how naughty or nice they really were and improve for next year.
B) If the child doesnt "get it" whats the worst that could happen? certainly not that scenario above. And it will be a family joke years later
C) My kid, fuck you.
D)If you had gotten coal would you really have cared?

I'm not saying it should be the only gift, (although getting 50-60 lumps of coal would have been hilarious) but why not instigate interesting life stories in your child's life?


Granted, this argument was presented horribly but salesmanship isn't everything.



Josh

PS. Review of 2010 to come as well as goals for 2011..... also I'm trying to find a direction I want to take this whole blogging thing in.. It's kind of lame as of yet... Suggestions? Stories from childhoood? ( poop in my baby sitters flowers? Flag the cafeteria in 2nd grade? almost get expelled in 5th grade?  or maybe an analysis of day to day moments and what to learn from them? Creative writing such a poetry or brief stories, such as the tarantulasaurus rectum or the grimmacing spork?