I've started ( as of a few days ago) documenting some of my daily habits. I'm going to be keeping track of them over time too see how they fluctuate. Once I have a decent idea of how I behave on an "average" day.. including (food intake, time spent doing non productive things, relative intellect of decisions, etc...) I'm going to adjust things and note how it effects other aspects of my life, such as quality of sleep, quality of workouts, quality of mood,) But if you know me, you know I hate qualitative analysis. So'll I'll do my best to keep it quantitative.
I'll also be conducting experiments on other people, learning hopefully through the process how I affect people with my body language, eye contact, haptics, and mind control.
By graduation I will fill you in on my knewly akwired nollege.
Josh
Monday, January 17, 2011
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Child Abuse?
I once was force fed spaghettios by my abusive babysitter. I told her "Mary K, I'm full" to which she responded " I made it, you eat it!" .. It was sort of muffled through the rolls of fat that gently hung from her cheeks. so really I just heard, " I'm obese! I'm obese My chin butt makes more sound than my larynx" (Can you tell I'm still bitter about this?). Anyway, I continued to eat.
Vom-it
Literally gallons of fluid were dispensed from my small 4 year old body, It made a 4x4 stain on the carpet that I was forced to clean for the remainder of the day. The other punishment was that I was not allowed to go outside for a MONTH!!!
Slowly, within the depths of my soul I began plotting my revenge.
Actually if you want to know the truth, I had already been plotting my revenge for some time. You see, a year earlier her equally obese 16 year old daughter whose heart beat only to the drum of Satan and her equally heartless flat chested bean pole 15 year old sister had instilled a very large sense of paranoia in me. This is what happened.
I saw it. A small yellow plastic tub with the familiar logo of three arrows in the shape of a triangle. "Oh I wonder what they are going to do with that recycling bin" pondered I. I was quickly snapped out of my naivety by the feeling of that same bin hitting me in the face. I fell to the ground and the recycling bin was placed conveniently over my body. LARD-ROLL (thats the fat daughter) then sat on this recycling bin. I remained underneath for 30 minutes. All the while violently screamed and attempting to lift the bin upwards. But alas, My leverage was poor and LARD-ROLL was immense....
Another time I was playing fight with this kid, and he was holding up an hourglass as a shield. Naturally as the Knight that I was, I had to find a way to disarm him and make his shield disappear, thereby decreasing the risk of losing my life and increasing the chance of a kill for Queen HENRY! I kicked the hourglass out of his hands, but I was spotted. And swatted. I was spanked a total of either 9 or 16 times.. I don't remember exactly which, but it was one of those two, for this nonviolent act. Mary Kay then explained to my father that the other boy " Was just looking at the hourglass minding his own business, when all of the sudden Josh comes and kicks it away." You could see the heathens best innocent stargazing face as she told the story of the poor boy who lost his hourglass but as soon as she said "kicks it away" her face clenched and became nearly demonic... one pretty evil 4 year old I must have been...
In reality she was just taking her problems out on me. She had a tough life: Her husband was an alcoholic and both her daughters were ugly and one was even fat, and to top that off she was a bitch.... She basically had nothing to be happy about. I can't blame her really.
So this family had revenge coming for a long time.
As soon as I was allowed back outside, I did what any person would have done: I took a huge shit all over her flowers. Not only was this incredibly satisfying, it was also incredibly colorful. It was also the coolest looking poop I had ever seen. It had green, and grey, and red, and brown! God was on my side that day... That my friends, was the rainbow of justice.
That isn't all though folks. I had been so bewildered and upset by all of her antics that I would not stop.
I also, peed in her kitchen sink, kitchen trashcan, bathroom sink and bathroom trashcan as well as on her Venus fly trap. Then I got her fired and THEN I got her license to babysit revoked because she kept the blinds closed which is illegal in Virginia.... oops....
Sorry bitch.
I hope she learned her lesson.
Josh
Upcoming topics: "too much honesty.... why don't people ever believe me?"
" HOW TO EAT and POOP at the same time"
Vom-it
Literally gallons of fluid were dispensed from my small 4 year old body, It made a 4x4 stain on the carpet that I was forced to clean for the remainder of the day. The other punishment was that I was not allowed to go outside for a MONTH!!!
Slowly, within the depths of my soul I began plotting my revenge.
Actually if you want to know the truth, I had already been plotting my revenge for some time. You see, a year earlier her equally obese 16 year old daughter whose heart beat only to the drum of Satan and her equally heartless flat chested bean pole 15 year old sister had instilled a very large sense of paranoia in me. This is what happened.
I saw it. A small yellow plastic tub with the familiar logo of three arrows in the shape of a triangle. "Oh I wonder what they are going to do with that recycling bin" pondered I. I was quickly snapped out of my naivety by the feeling of that same bin hitting me in the face. I fell to the ground and the recycling bin was placed conveniently over my body. LARD-ROLL (thats the fat daughter) then sat on this recycling bin. I remained underneath for 30 minutes. All the while violently screamed and attempting to lift the bin upwards. But alas, My leverage was poor and LARD-ROLL was immense....
Another time I was playing fight with this kid, and he was holding up an hourglass as a shield. Naturally as the Knight that I was, I had to find a way to disarm him and make his shield disappear, thereby decreasing the risk of losing my life and increasing the chance of a kill for Queen HENRY! I kicked the hourglass out of his hands, but I was spotted. And swatted. I was spanked a total of either 9 or 16 times.. I don't remember exactly which, but it was one of those two, for this nonviolent act. Mary Kay then explained to my father that the other boy " Was just looking at the hourglass minding his own business, when all of the sudden Josh comes and kicks it away." You could see the heathens best innocent stargazing face as she told the story of the poor boy who lost his hourglass but as soon as she said "kicks it away" her face clenched and became nearly demonic... one pretty evil 4 year old I must have been...
In reality she was just taking her problems out on me. She had a tough life: Her husband was an alcoholic and both her daughters were ugly and one was even fat, and to top that off she was a bitch.... She basically had nothing to be happy about. I can't blame her really.
So this family had revenge coming for a long time.
As soon as I was allowed back outside, I did what any person would have done: I took a huge shit all over her flowers. Not only was this incredibly satisfying, it was also incredibly colorful. It was also the coolest looking poop I had ever seen. It had green, and grey, and red, and brown! God was on my side that day... That my friends, was the rainbow of justice.
That isn't all though folks. I had been so bewildered and upset by all of her antics that I would not stop.
I also, peed in her kitchen sink, kitchen trashcan, bathroom sink and bathroom trashcan as well as on her Venus fly trap. Then I got her fired and THEN I got her license to babysit revoked because she kept the blinds closed which is illegal in Virginia.... oops....
Sorry bitch.
I hope she learned her lesson.
Josh
Upcoming topics: "too much honesty.... why don't people ever believe me?"
" HOW TO EAT and POOP at the same time"
Monday, January 10, 2011
Musings and Poem
Let's face it, imminent change is stressful. But why? Change is life, so why is it that the big conceptual changes are what affect us the most. Consider,
A change of job, and end of a relationship, moving to a new area... All of those things are scary as shit... But why?
Why do we choose to define ourselves by things like where we work, what we do at that job, who we are with, or where we are living? Sure those are all important factors that effect our immediate choices, but are those things really who I am?
We all derive so much of our self confidence from external sources. This year my goal is simple:
To set myself free from those limitations imposed by refusing to realize that my opinion is the only one that matters to me (in an immediate sense).
It is way to much pressure to constantly be trying to please someone or something because it is what I am "supposed" to do, or its "just the way it works" Not everyone will agree with how I choose to live my life, but I didn't ask them too. I don't care any more. And honestly, that feels great.
Have you ever watched kids on a merry-go-round,
or listened to rain slapping the ground?
Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight,
or gazed at the sun fading into the night?
You better slow down, don't dance so fast,
time is short, the music won't last.
Do you run through each day on the fly,
when you ask "How are you?", do you hear the reply?
When the day is done, do you lie in your bed,
with the next hundred chores running through your head?
You better slow down, don't dance so fast,
time is short, the music won't last.
Ever told your child, we'll do it tomorrow,
and in your haste, not see his sorrow?
Ever lost touch, let a friendship die,
'cause you never had time to call and say hi?
You better slow down, don't dance so fast,
time is short, the music won't last.
When you run so fast to get somewhere,
you miss half the fun of getting there.
When you worry and hurry through your day,
it's like an unopened gift thrown away.
Life isn't a race, so take it slower,
hear the music before your song is over.
-David L Weatherford
A change of job, and end of a relationship, moving to a new area... All of those things are scary as shit... But why?
Why do we choose to define ourselves by things like where we work, what we do at that job, who we are with, or where we are living? Sure those are all important factors that effect our immediate choices, but are those things really who I am?
We all derive so much of our self confidence from external sources. This year my goal is simple:
To set myself free from those limitations imposed by refusing to realize that my opinion is the only one that matters to me (in an immediate sense).
It is way to much pressure to constantly be trying to please someone or something because it is what I am "supposed" to do, or its "just the way it works" Not everyone will agree with how I choose to live my life, but I didn't ask them too. I don't care any more. And honestly, that feels great.
Have you ever watched kids on a merry-go-round,
or listened to rain slapping the ground?
Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight,
or gazed at the sun fading into the night?
You better slow down, don't dance so fast,
time is short, the music won't last.
Do you run through each day on the fly,
when you ask "How are you?", do you hear the reply?
When the day is done, do you lie in your bed,
with the next hundred chores running through your head?
You better slow down, don't dance so fast,
time is short, the music won't last.
Ever told your child, we'll do it tomorrow,
and in your haste, not see his sorrow?
Ever lost touch, let a friendship die,
'cause you never had time to call and say hi?
You better slow down, don't dance so fast,
time is short, the music won't last.
When you run so fast to get somewhere,
you miss half the fun of getting there.
When you worry and hurry through your day,
it's like an unopened gift thrown away.
Life isn't a race, so take it slower,
hear the music before your song is over.
-David L Weatherford
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Are you well Greased?
What if everyday when you woke up you went to the closet to pick out which body parts you wanted to wear that day? "oh, well today I'll go with Blonde hair and well greased loins! (they need to be well greased because that way anyone who tries to grab me by the dick and pull me around will just fall off into oblivion)" Maybe tomorrow you'd choose a better larynx if you are a singer? Perhaps a smarter or more complex brain?
After a while it would make sense that, just like any other closet, you would have your favorites and your soon to be hand-me-downs.
I was thinking about this on my way to the gym when it hit me. The human body is SO easily adapted to fit the stresses of daily life. In a certain sense we do have those options. I am going to the gym right now to do just that, get a nicer butt, maybe grow my latimus dorsi a teency weency bit. I could get my hair dyed Blonde if I wanted to. Most astonishing to me in this realization was just how easy change is with dedication. Life is change, embrace it.
Greasing up for the big show! practicing and memorizing.
Kecich credo # 76
"I will do this" is the only attitude that works. "I'll try" or "I think" doesn't work.
So if you have a New Years resolution go into it with that attitude.
Best of luck.
Josh
After a while it would make sense that, just like any other closet, you would have your favorites and your soon to be hand-me-downs.
I was thinking about this on my way to the gym when it hit me. The human body is SO easily adapted to fit the stresses of daily life. In a certain sense we do have those options. I am going to the gym right now to do just that, get a nicer butt, maybe grow my latimus dorsi a teency weency bit. I could get my hair dyed Blonde if I wanted to. Most astonishing to me in this realization was just how easy change is with dedication. Life is change, embrace it.
Greasing up for the big show! practicing and memorizing.
Kecich credo # 76
"I will do this" is the only attitude that works. "I'll try" or "I think" doesn't work.
So if you have a New Years resolution go into it with that attitude.
Best of luck.
Josh
Monday, January 3, 2011
My Weekend in New York City Part 2 and 3
Part 2: Friday( New Years eve)
My mind was racing from the previous night so I slept horribly... I slept from 6:30 am until about 9 and then laid in bed for a few hours. I decided It was pointless to go back to sleep so it was shower time. I couldn't find a towel so I decided I would just shower and then stand there until I was dry. So I did. It took me like 20 minutes to totally dry off, I tried the shake like a dog method and I also tried to squigii myself with my hands. Etc. etc.The rest of the morning was boring... Fast forward.... It's 2pm... ugh. I was kind of annoyed at the fact that I was just now leaving the house, and conspired (with brandon) that we would make up for it by pulling an all-nighter.
I'm heading off to Manhattan to get my tickets to Revival, New Yorks "best kept new years secret" ... lies... I honestly thought there was no way that Friday night could top Thursday night. I was beginning to think I was right. I was wrong.
A guy on the Train is spinning a basketball. Thats pretty cool... NO IT IS COOL! He was spinning it and then putting it on a pencil and then he put the pencil in his shoe and it spun there for a minute or so while he lit a cigarette and it drank a cup of milk. Ok, That was a lie, But it did sit there for a good minute. Best day ever already!
So we get to the line to pick up our tickets at 3:30. By this point the line extended the entire length and width and then length of the block AGAIN. Thats right it started at 20th and 6th.. It went down to 20th and 5th up to 21st and 5th and back down to 21 and 6th where it finally ended at the entrance.. It was an hour and a forty-five minute wait.
The only really memorable parts of the wait was this guy who came up and said, " HEY! I'm doing a video documentation what is this line for?!!" We explained to him.. Then he left... And this one women offered to pay us to stand by us, I felt like I was getting paid to be kind, so we refused the money. The only reason that was even worth including was because he never once pointed the camera at us. He just kind of showed it to us but made sure it faced away the whole time... I hope that works out for him....
It was 5:00pm and our night was about to start. I decide that the restaurant we had reservations at is probably downtown of union square. I was wrong. So we begin our venture south.
I have to say, in New york I always look before I cross the Street, unless the crosswalk signal says walk. Well it said walk, and well...
I heard it. There was the distinctive sound of tire on wet pavement. I leapt higher than an Olympian and screamed in my best damsel in distress voice. After I realized that I was not dead, I looked left and realized that not only was the vehicle going the same direction as I was, but it was also a bicycle. Brandon laughed his ass off. Upon hearing Brandon laughing, all 15 people at the intersection, even the women pushing strollers joined him in having their laugh.
They didn't know I would have the last laugh that night.
Only 10 feet from where this dreaded incident happened we come across a puddle. But, ladies and gentlemen this puddle was not an ordinary puddle. It was a puddle in disguise. It looked like street! A snow storm had just come through, and water had collected near the crosswalks, usually you can see it, but every now and then their was a sheath of ice and snow atop that camouflaged the said water. Brandon and I did not see it.
Splash...
But it wasn't us that received our daily bath. You see, the gods of Adventure knew I had already showered. It was the pleasantly plump women in front of us. No one laughed at her... We keep walking.
$2 Chang beer, done. We sit down at an Asian bar and begin to drink our Asian beer. We don't like it that much, but Brandon still ordered another. Why, you ask? It wasn't because it was good... It wasn't because he found their accents enjoyable(they didn't speak to us at all)... It was because Brandon took a 15 minute shit and felt guilty for leaving the smell...... perplexed? as was I. but then I drank half of it anyway so it was fine and free. Brandon was getting a horrible headache.
We leave to meet up with our friends at Rodeo Bar and Grille. It's 30 blocks from where we wound up. We walked. Walking would end up defining the night. We get there and by this time Brandon looks and feels like shit, I'm not too concerned because that always happens when he gets hungry. We go inside and begin to snack on peanuts while we wait to be seated. There is a 50 year old Korean man at the Bar who we watch for 30 minutes while he dances alone. He seemed pretty happy about the fact that it was new years. A little salsa move here, a little meringue move there. His behaviour is how I imagine Santa Clauses behaviour to been. He steals some money from a bartender and then gives it back (maybe this is robin hood?), then picks it up and looks at it again and puts it back. Naturally we find this amusing. Next to him is a lonely looking man who I secretly hope I don't end up like, then I realize how I feel is a choice and I make the choice to be happy as shit because I'm in NYC and its only 7 o'clock and I've already embarrassed myself and been on a mini adventure.
I see a familiar sign hanging on the wall.. Could it be? It IS! LONE STAR BEER.
No I've never had it, but my dad has. It was his Beer of choice at Texas Tech when he was a student there. 5 dollars for a case! with returnable bottles.. meaning that every time you buy a new case if you bring back all 24 bottles you get the new case for only 5 dollars. Would I join my father in the ranks of manhood and try maybe the cheapest beer on earth? Of course. I promptly ordered it, and a burrito. Brandon looks even worse, He has already tried to force himself to vomit twice (without avail), and I am quickly beginning to realize that tonight is going to suck. I will not have fun at all without Brandon. He is going to go back to Brooklyn.
I try to ignore this fact while I enjoy the decent cheap beer. I can't. I grab Brandon and we find a duanereade and get some alka-seltzer. Somehow, much to my dismay he takes it and it appears to not have worked at all. I'm nearly in tears.
And then he burps.
A glimmer of hope enters, and I desperately cling onto it. Long and boring story short, Brandon gets better!!! I have no idea how that happened, but I am truly grateful.
Enter Revival. All I drank until midnight was scotch. I had five glasses ( fancy plastic cups) of Johnny Walker Black, obviously without ice, and I was loving it. I brought my digital audio recorder so that I could record awesome moments from the evening. It wasn't working early but it was now. Conversation piece?
A woman, Fat Bitch, says to me "Hey you should get 2 drinks next time you go to the bar." I reply excitedly, and promptly agree with her.....
apparently that was not good enough... " Move along now boy,".....
"No, I was serious, I think thats a good idea"
"If you don't get out of my sight right now, I'm going to punch you in the fucking face."
.....uh......
I walked away, every time I walked by her for the rest of the night I was afraid of getting punched. Ladies and gentleman, she was a BIG woman.
2 girls approach me and asked me what my name is! YES GIRLS ARE TALKING TO ME!!!!!!
I say.. " I'm Josh lets write a song".... I pull out my digital recorder and start singing about how the hors' d'oeuvres are cold.. The less attractive one, puts on a big fake smile says "yah" in her best Pee Wee Herman voice and walks away. She pulls her prettier friend along with her.. Her prettier friend is meanwhile saying, "No he's cute why are we leaving?".... ( I hate when people are so afraid of themselves that they can't even accept other people.. also, what gives this girl the right to drag her friend away... sad day) I look at them and say " Oh, I guess I'm to weird for you guys, Later!" That was just an exciting moment, because I truly did not care at all. Awesome.
Fun continues. (In list form)
-Making up songs with a girl I will refer to as Awesome-Bad-Ass. I don't think I've ever met someone so open to goof around and be merry within just a few hours of meeting me! The best part of it is that not only is she awesome, she is beautiful. Naturally, I enjoyed this. best quote from a song "If you don't like poop then you don't know anything!!!" Awesome-Bad-Ass even made up a whole song about how I was sexy! And how my glasses were cute.
Isn't it great when pretty people think you are pretty? I think so... Also, I'm sad to say this but I lost my glasses on the bus ride home so Awesome-Bad-Ass if you are reading this, I regret to inform you that I may be slightly less sexy than I was on NYE. Only slightly.
-New Years HUG with Brandon!! Single men at the bar!!! ( lisping) Bessst friendzz for lifesz
We left to the subway station at union square. a Man playing a Djembe and another man playing a home-made marimba are making music. So we tip them and move on.. (did you really think I would have written something THAT DUMB on here.. duh no!!!)
Actually, we join them. Brandon and I dance and jump around like hooligans and make up some tribal chant like melodies over top of their awesome song. Brandon and I draw a crowd of about 30 people I instruct the crowd to clap, they do. We now have a small cult following. I don't know how long we were there for, or how many trains we missed, but as soon as we left, so did the entire crowd. Touching.
We were off to the Alligator lounge to meet of with Bartender and Bartendress from the previous night. We get there, where we are treated to free drinks and pizza. OH WAIT! NO! They stopped serving pizza 24 seconds before we got there!!! WTF! But we still got free drinks. That's why Bartender is a bad ass. (just one of many reasons)
We go all the way back to Williamsburg to get some friends who fell asleep on the subway and woke up in Bronx. Then we try to go to the 24 hour diner, which you would think would have been open but it wasn't. Then Brandon found 5 dollars.
oops typo, Brandon found 50 dollars! Seriously how does that happen in New York. I wish I found 50 dollars too.
Our friends left us, and we decide to walk 4 miles home from Williamsburg to wherever we were staying... Thats right, I didn't even know where it was. I've checked google maps and somehow we managed to walk almost the exact route that google suggested just by luck. It took up 2 and a half hours to get home. And on the way I kicked a dead rat, stepped in one of the camouflaged puddles soaking me almost up to my knees, and developed awful pain in my legs because oh shit!!.. I've been walking since 4 pm.. and its 7 am....
I spent the entire walk home talking about how beautiful the night was and how cool it was that Awesome-Bad-Ass was an awesome bad ass.. Byootiful I kept saying.. Brandon won't ever let me live it down either...
We watched the first sunrise of the new year on some random street in Brooklyn. I said " It's Byootiful" and we kept walking. we finally arrived at 8 am... Our friends said to call and they'd get the door We called. We called again. We called again. We called AGAIN! DAMMIT! Well...
We slept on the stoop. not really, But we did close our eyes and nap for about 4 minutes before someone finally answered. We ran into bed. And laughed for 30 minutes. Not only were we delirious, we were so giddy that all there was to do was laugh for 30 minutes before going to bed. I told you I would have the last laugh.
AFTERMATh: (part 3)
Shit we overslept, my alarm was set for 10, we woke up at 1:30. Bus leaves at 3. Shit. As we get off the subway a young black man Ibrahim approaches us to say that he saw us dancing and singing at the Union Square subway and that Brandon and I are cool as shit, and THANK YOU for dancing!!! Rock Star Status!
Then we ride the bus and I lose my glasses...
I can honestly say that this trip to NY was the best yet. It was just an outrageously awesome time. A preview to my trip to Europe in may.... So much about it was completely Beautiful (Byootiful).
Until later,
Josh
My mind was racing from the previous night so I slept horribly... I slept from 6:30 am until about 9 and then laid in bed for a few hours. I decided It was pointless to go back to sleep so it was shower time. I couldn't find a towel so I decided I would just shower and then stand there until I was dry. So I did. It took me like 20 minutes to totally dry off, I tried the shake like a dog method and I also tried to squigii myself with my hands. Etc. etc.The rest of the morning was boring... Fast forward.... It's 2pm... ugh. I was kind of annoyed at the fact that I was just now leaving the house, and conspired (with brandon) that we would make up for it by pulling an all-nighter.
I'm heading off to Manhattan to get my tickets to Revival, New Yorks "best kept new years secret" ... lies... I honestly thought there was no way that Friday night could top Thursday night. I was beginning to think I was right. I was wrong.
A guy on the Train is spinning a basketball. Thats pretty cool... NO IT IS COOL! He was spinning it and then putting it on a pencil and then he put the pencil in his shoe and it spun there for a minute or so while he lit a cigarette and it drank a cup of milk. Ok, That was a lie, But it did sit there for a good minute. Best day ever already!
So we get to the line to pick up our tickets at 3:30. By this point the line extended the entire length and width and then length of the block AGAIN. Thats right it started at 20th and 6th.. It went down to 20th and 5th up to 21st and 5th and back down to 21 and 6th where it finally ended at the entrance.. It was an hour and a forty-five minute wait.
The only really memorable parts of the wait was this guy who came up and said, " HEY! I'm doing a video documentation what is this line for?!!" We explained to him.. Then he left... And this one women offered to pay us to stand by us, I felt like I was getting paid to be kind, so we refused the money. The only reason that was even worth including was because he never once pointed the camera at us. He just kind of showed it to us but made sure it faced away the whole time... I hope that works out for him....
It was 5:00pm and our night was about to start. I decide that the restaurant we had reservations at is probably downtown of union square. I was wrong. So we begin our venture south.
I have to say, in New york I always look before I cross the Street, unless the crosswalk signal says walk. Well it said walk, and well...
I heard it. There was the distinctive sound of tire on wet pavement. I leapt higher than an Olympian and screamed in my best damsel in distress voice. After I realized that I was not dead, I looked left and realized that not only was the vehicle going the same direction as I was, but it was also a bicycle. Brandon laughed his ass off. Upon hearing Brandon laughing, all 15 people at the intersection, even the women pushing strollers joined him in having their laugh.
They didn't know I would have the last laugh that night.
Only 10 feet from where this dreaded incident happened we come across a puddle. But, ladies and gentlemen this puddle was not an ordinary puddle. It was a puddle in disguise. It looked like street! A snow storm had just come through, and water had collected near the crosswalks, usually you can see it, but every now and then their was a sheath of ice and snow atop that camouflaged the said water. Brandon and I did not see it.
Splash...
But it wasn't us that received our daily bath. You see, the gods of Adventure knew I had already showered. It was the pleasantly plump women in front of us. No one laughed at her... We keep walking.
$2 Chang beer, done. We sit down at an Asian bar and begin to drink our Asian beer. We don't like it that much, but Brandon still ordered another. Why, you ask? It wasn't because it was good... It wasn't because he found their accents enjoyable(they didn't speak to us at all)... It was because Brandon took a 15 minute shit and felt guilty for leaving the smell...... perplexed? as was I. but then I drank half of it anyway so it was fine and free. Brandon was getting a horrible headache.
We leave to meet up with our friends at Rodeo Bar and Grille. It's 30 blocks from where we wound up. We walked. Walking would end up defining the night. We get there and by this time Brandon looks and feels like shit, I'm not too concerned because that always happens when he gets hungry. We go inside and begin to snack on peanuts while we wait to be seated. There is a 50 year old Korean man at the Bar who we watch for 30 minutes while he dances alone. He seemed pretty happy about the fact that it was new years. A little salsa move here, a little meringue move there. His behaviour is how I imagine Santa Clauses behaviour to been. He steals some money from a bartender and then gives it back (maybe this is robin hood?), then picks it up and looks at it again and puts it back. Naturally we find this amusing. Next to him is a lonely looking man who I secretly hope I don't end up like, then I realize how I feel is a choice and I make the choice to be happy as shit because I'm in NYC and its only 7 o'clock and I've already embarrassed myself and been on a mini adventure.
I see a familiar sign hanging on the wall.. Could it be? It IS! LONE STAR BEER.
No I've never had it, but my dad has. It was his Beer of choice at Texas Tech when he was a student there. 5 dollars for a case! with returnable bottles.. meaning that every time you buy a new case if you bring back all 24 bottles you get the new case for only 5 dollars. Would I join my father in the ranks of manhood and try maybe the cheapest beer on earth? Of course. I promptly ordered it, and a burrito. Brandon looks even worse, He has already tried to force himself to vomit twice (without avail), and I am quickly beginning to realize that tonight is going to suck. I will not have fun at all without Brandon. He is going to go back to Brooklyn.
I try to ignore this fact while I enjoy the decent cheap beer. I can't. I grab Brandon and we find a duanereade and get some alka-seltzer. Somehow, much to my dismay he takes it and it appears to not have worked at all. I'm nearly in tears.
And then he burps.
A glimmer of hope enters, and I desperately cling onto it. Long and boring story short, Brandon gets better!!! I have no idea how that happened, but I am truly grateful.
Enter Revival. All I drank until midnight was scotch. I had five glasses ( fancy plastic cups) of Johnny Walker Black, obviously without ice, and I was loving it. I brought my digital audio recorder so that I could record awesome moments from the evening. It wasn't working early but it was now. Conversation piece?
A woman, Fat Bitch, says to me "Hey you should get 2 drinks next time you go to the bar." I reply excitedly, and promptly agree with her.....
apparently that was not good enough... " Move along now boy,".....
"No, I was serious, I think thats a good idea"
"If you don't get out of my sight right now, I'm going to punch you in the fucking face."
.....uh......
I walked away, every time I walked by her for the rest of the night I was afraid of getting punched. Ladies and gentleman, she was a BIG woman.
2 girls approach me and asked me what my name is! YES GIRLS ARE TALKING TO ME!!!!!!
I say.. " I'm Josh lets write a song".... I pull out my digital recorder and start singing about how the hors' d'oeuvres are cold.. The less attractive one, puts on a big fake smile says "yah" in her best Pee Wee Herman voice and walks away. She pulls her prettier friend along with her.. Her prettier friend is meanwhile saying, "No he's cute why are we leaving?".... ( I hate when people are so afraid of themselves that they can't even accept other people.. also, what gives this girl the right to drag her friend away... sad day) I look at them and say " Oh, I guess I'm to weird for you guys, Later!" That was just an exciting moment, because I truly did not care at all. Awesome.
Fun continues. (In list form)
-Making up songs with a girl I will refer to as Awesome-Bad-Ass. I don't think I've ever met someone so open to goof around and be merry within just a few hours of meeting me! The best part of it is that not only is she awesome, she is beautiful. Naturally, I enjoyed this. best quote from a song "If you don't like poop then you don't know anything!!!" Awesome-Bad-Ass even made up a whole song about how I was sexy! And how my glasses were cute.
Isn't it great when pretty people think you are pretty? I think so... Also, I'm sad to say this but I lost my glasses on the bus ride home so Awesome-Bad-Ass if you are reading this, I regret to inform you that I may be slightly less sexy than I was on NYE. Only slightly.
-New Years HUG with Brandon!! Single men at the bar!!! ( lisping) Bessst friendzz for lifesz
We left to the subway station at union square. a Man playing a Djembe and another man playing a home-made marimba are making music. So we tip them and move on.. (did you really think I would have written something THAT DUMB on here.. duh no!!!)
Actually, we join them. Brandon and I dance and jump around like hooligans and make up some tribal chant like melodies over top of their awesome song. Brandon and I draw a crowd of about 30 people I instruct the crowd to clap, they do. We now have a small cult following. I don't know how long we were there for, or how many trains we missed, but as soon as we left, so did the entire crowd. Touching.
We were off to the Alligator lounge to meet of with Bartender and Bartendress from the previous night. We get there, where we are treated to free drinks and pizza. OH WAIT! NO! They stopped serving pizza 24 seconds before we got there!!! WTF! But we still got free drinks. That's why Bartender is a bad ass. (just one of many reasons)
We go all the way back to Williamsburg to get some friends who fell asleep on the subway and woke up in Bronx. Then we try to go to the 24 hour diner, which you would think would have been open but it wasn't. Then Brandon found 5 dollars.
oops typo, Brandon found 50 dollars! Seriously how does that happen in New York. I wish I found 50 dollars too.
Our friends left us, and we decide to walk 4 miles home from Williamsburg to wherever we were staying... Thats right, I didn't even know where it was. I've checked google maps and somehow we managed to walk almost the exact route that google suggested just by luck. It took up 2 and a half hours to get home. And on the way I kicked a dead rat, stepped in one of the camouflaged puddles soaking me almost up to my knees, and developed awful pain in my legs because oh shit!!.. I've been walking since 4 pm.. and its 7 am....
I spent the entire walk home talking about how beautiful the night was and how cool it was that Awesome-Bad-Ass was an awesome bad ass.. Byootiful I kept saying.. Brandon won't ever let me live it down either...
We watched the first sunrise of the new year on some random street in Brooklyn. I said " It's Byootiful" and we kept walking. we finally arrived at 8 am... Our friends said to call and they'd get the door We called. We called again. We called again. We called AGAIN! DAMMIT! Well...
We slept on the stoop. not really, But we did close our eyes and nap for about 4 minutes before someone finally answered. We ran into bed. And laughed for 30 minutes. Not only were we delirious, we were so giddy that all there was to do was laugh for 30 minutes before going to bed. I told you I would have the last laugh.
AFTERMATh: (part 3)
Shit we overslept, my alarm was set for 10, we woke up at 1:30. Bus leaves at 3. Shit. As we get off the subway a young black man Ibrahim approaches us to say that he saw us dancing and singing at the Union Square subway and that Brandon and I are cool as shit, and THANK YOU for dancing!!! Rock Star Status!
Then we ride the bus and I lose my glasses...
I can honestly say that this trip to NY was the best yet. It was just an outrageously awesome time. A preview to my trip to Europe in may.... So much about it was completely Beautiful (Byootiful).
Until later,
Josh
Sunday, January 2, 2011
My Weekend in New York City Part 1
I want to preface this by saying that this weekend will rank forever among the best weekends of my life. Sure, not all of it was fun, in fact it even had it's boring parts; but the weekend was mostly made incredible because I got to spend it with my best friend in what is sure to mark the beginning of our incredible adventures together. ( Europe and Life) I still however think this weekend was cool enough to warrant me to write about it , so I am going to.
Part 1: Thursday night:
I got off the bus at about 9:30, a smile came over my face, I could taste the adventures of the night already... oh no, wait... that's just... SHIT. I haven't eaten in 30 hours, lets get some food. Brandon and I were off to Mel's in upper west side where I would taste the greatest burger ever made on the planet. Words do not do it justice so instead.. Here is a picture:
Can you see it people?? That's right, that is me, crying with a wide smile at the taste of a burger topped with spinach dip, the worlds most perfect bacon, and the hottest not melted cheese to ever exist. Never mind that the whole bottom bun was dripping in grease, or that I also have a spiked milkshake to get through. This was 10 oz's of heaven. I wept without tears at nearly every bite. I could feel my stomach explode. It had shrunk to the size of a peanut after 30 hours without food, but it didn't matter. Mark my words, I WOULD FINISH THAT BURGER!
Next stop. Subway station. A man said "Hey guys," in a friendly voice. In the mood I was in all I could think was that he was just honestly saying hello and happy holidays, I looked at him with a smile and a boisterous grin and said, "Hello sir!"
"Do you guys think you could help me get some food tonight?"
Shit, what do I do..... "Umm... nope!" That is right friends.. I just looked this man in the eyes and said nope. But I said it with a weird kind of chipper mood because I had just eaten a huge meal that still makes me so happy. Besides, I was full enough for both of us. And he was fat enough to have been able to survive for at least 14 days without food, provided he was taking a multivitamin and was drinking water. Probably just another wino.
We get on the train back to Brooklyn where Brandon and I have made it crystal clear that We are going on an adventure tonight , It was only 10:30 and we had arrived only a few hours before. The most memorable part of the ride was these two guys who sat next to me at various points. The interaction was as follows.
Imagine Martin Short's character from Get Over it, but make him pleasantly plump and mix him with Bruce Willis (at least for looks and body type) He sits next to me, and is reading a magazine or a newspaper, with undue sass I might add. His name is Man#1
Man #2 is a scruffy man wearing a beanie. I think it said Philidelphia Eagles, I don't remember, but it would make sense.
Man#2 sees the space between Man#1 and me, plods to it, falls into it, and immediately begins grunting and snoring (audible only to myself and Man#1). Man#1 in a quiete rage, looks at Man#2 in disbelief, grabs his magazine and storms away with even more sass than he already had. I quietly laughed and listened to Man #2's strange guttural noises for the next 15 minutes.
Etcetera etcetera- skip ahead to Brooklyn. Brandon and i try to convince people to come adventure with us, but it seems futile. Long story short and harsh judgement aside, we convinced no one and finally left the house we were staying at at about 1:30.
Williamsburg- We enter the Charleston, smitten with smiles and no expectations. The night was already good. We sit at the bar, make futile attempts to talk to people who are VERY disinterested in us, so we resolve to watch the Back to the Future marathon on TV. Besides we weren't really there to meet people, just to be awesome. I'm recording tid bits of the night all the while and Brandon over hears a bartender talking about how he had only slept 30 minutes today because the Bar didn't close until 8 am the previous night. Also, that one of his coworkers called in sick because he was pooping and puking at the same time. This is actually quite unfortunate, because, which end do you put on the toilet. You are left either pooping on the floor or vomiting on the wall...
WE get to talking to the Bartender, and it turns out he came to NYC to get married and work on Wall Street, which he did for a few years and then it came crashing down and now he is a painter and a Bad Ass and lives the life he wants. The epitome of a Lemming hurdler! He takes to us pretty quickly, we all share a mutual spite for pretense... and probably Andrew Lloyd Webber!.... Then a moderately attractive girl starts talking to us, we tell her our names and she says " WOW, My best friends names are Josh and Brandon!!!"
...full of shit... actually I believed her, I just wanted to write that because its highly improbable,
We talk about nothing for a while, she shows us a cool drawing that shes planning to get tattooed on her leg, we quickly realize she is crazy and leave.
We walk a block and Bartender is standing on the corner smoking with a friend of his, I tell him " You are our favorite" we talk to him for a bit, Brandon does the Charleston ( the Dance... 2 different versions of it I believe) and Bartender laughs his ass off and invites us in. We make friends with the only bartender at this bar, Bartendress! and begin talking to the Puerto Rican man who keeps calling me pretty and his Jew friend.
Brandon and I were instant hits, we talked to these guys and Bartender and Bartendress for a few hours, about anything ranging from our mutual hatred of dumb people to Mayor Giuliani. They tell us that we belong in New York and that we are like cartoon characters. I obviously took this as a compliment and felt like someone just asked about my autograph. "When Bartender came to NYC he was pretty like you, but now he knows."
Anyway, we leave and catch the L. It is now 4:45. If you know me or Brandon at all you know that it's not that weird for us to break out into song. We did. We befriended 4 girls who all wanted a picture with us. I told them I was a virgin (... It's just something I tell people ok?) Obviously they didn't believe me and one of them said, "Boy, you come back with me tonight and we can fix that mmmhmm!" Needless to say, It was a lot of fun. I HAD NO IDEA SEX WAS SO GREAT!
Just kidding. So we are singing and dancing on this subway train (surprisingly full for 5 am) and people are clapping and asking us to keep singing. But it was our stop so, later! ( I told a man I would give him a shout out on my blog, I do not remember his name.. perhaps Dan.. If you are there Dan.. I didn't lie to you.. SHOUT OUT!)
We wait for the next train for a full hour... and meet one of the most sad people of our trip, not emotionally... you'll see. He asks me how to get to prospect park, seeing as how he is standing at the map, I assume he doesn't know where that is. I then come to find that he is pointing at it..... So I say, well you take the A or the C down 6 stops and get off on the S and take that to prospect park. He repeats this to himself for about a minute before asking again. A process that would repeat itself for the full hour. In between when he was asking me for directions, he would openly ogle women who were looking at him... quite loudly. " OH WOW, Look at that ASS. I want to hit that, but I'm married( looking at me) You should go for her man!! (looks back at her) She's ugly"........ keep in mind she was standing only 10 feet away and was listening.... I laughed hysterically, but I felt so horrible.
WE got on the train, and went home. It was now 6 am and the sun was about to come up. We looked at each other with a huge smile. We still had another day left. We didn't think anything could top what we had just done, but.... we were wrong.
Part 2 to come tomorrow.
Josh
Part 1: Thursday night:
I got off the bus at about 9:30, a smile came over my face, I could taste the adventures of the night already... oh no, wait... that's just... SHIT. I haven't eaten in 30 hours, lets get some food. Brandon and I were off to Mel's in upper west side where I would taste the greatest burger ever made on the planet. Words do not do it justice so instead.. Here is a picture:
Next stop. Subway station. A man said "Hey guys," in a friendly voice. In the mood I was in all I could think was that he was just honestly saying hello and happy holidays, I looked at him with a smile and a boisterous grin and said, "Hello sir!"
"Do you guys think you could help me get some food tonight?"
Shit, what do I do..... "Umm... nope!" That is right friends.. I just looked this man in the eyes and said nope. But I said it with a weird kind of chipper mood because I had just eaten a huge meal that still makes me so happy. Besides, I was full enough for both of us. And he was fat enough to have been able to survive for at least 14 days without food, provided he was taking a multivitamin and was drinking water. Probably just another wino.
We get on the train back to Brooklyn where Brandon and I have made it crystal clear that We are going on an adventure tonight , It was only 10:30 and we had arrived only a few hours before. The most memorable part of the ride was these two guys who sat next to me at various points. The interaction was as follows.
Imagine Martin Short's character from Get Over it, but make him pleasantly plump and mix him with Bruce Willis (at least for looks and body type) He sits next to me, and is reading a magazine or a newspaper, with undue sass I might add. His name is Man#1
Man #2 is a scruffy man wearing a beanie. I think it said Philidelphia Eagles, I don't remember, but it would make sense.
Man#2 sees the space between Man#1 and me, plods to it, falls into it, and immediately begins grunting and snoring (audible only to myself and Man#1). Man#1 in a quiete rage, looks at Man#2 in disbelief, grabs his magazine and storms away with even more sass than he already had. I quietly laughed and listened to Man #2's strange guttural noises for the next 15 minutes.
Etcetera etcetera- skip ahead to Brooklyn. Brandon and i try to convince people to come adventure with us, but it seems futile. Long story short and harsh judgement aside, we convinced no one and finally left the house we were staying at at about 1:30.
Williamsburg- We enter the Charleston, smitten with smiles and no expectations. The night was already good. We sit at the bar, make futile attempts to talk to people who are VERY disinterested in us, so we resolve to watch the Back to the Future marathon on TV. Besides we weren't really there to meet people, just to be awesome. I'm recording tid bits of the night all the while and Brandon over hears a bartender talking about how he had only slept 30 minutes today because the Bar didn't close until 8 am the previous night. Also, that one of his coworkers called in sick because he was pooping and puking at the same time. This is actually quite unfortunate, because, which end do you put on the toilet. You are left either pooping on the floor or vomiting on the wall...
WE get to talking to the Bartender, and it turns out he came to NYC to get married and work on Wall Street, which he did for a few years and then it came crashing down and now he is a painter and a Bad Ass and lives the life he wants. The epitome of a Lemming hurdler! He takes to us pretty quickly, we all share a mutual spite for pretense... and probably Andrew Lloyd Webber!.... Then a moderately attractive girl starts talking to us, we tell her our names and she says " WOW, My best friends names are Josh and Brandon!!!"
...full of shit... actually I believed her, I just wanted to write that because its highly improbable,
We talk about nothing for a while, she shows us a cool drawing that shes planning to get tattooed on her leg, we quickly realize she is crazy and leave.
We walk a block and Bartender is standing on the corner smoking with a friend of his, I tell him " You are our favorite" we talk to him for a bit, Brandon does the Charleston ( the Dance... 2 different versions of it I believe) and Bartender laughs his ass off and invites us in. We make friends with the only bartender at this bar, Bartendress! and begin talking to the Puerto Rican man who keeps calling me pretty and his Jew friend.
Brandon and I were instant hits, we talked to these guys and Bartender and Bartendress for a few hours, about anything ranging from our mutual hatred of dumb people to Mayor Giuliani. They tell us that we belong in New York and that we are like cartoon characters. I obviously took this as a compliment and felt like someone just asked about my autograph. "When Bartender came to NYC he was pretty like you, but now he knows."
Anyway, we leave and catch the L. It is now 4:45. If you know me or Brandon at all you know that it's not that weird for us to break out into song. We did. We befriended 4 girls who all wanted a picture with us. I told them I was a virgin (... It's just something I tell people ok?) Obviously they didn't believe me and one of them said, "Boy, you come back with me tonight and we can fix that mmmhmm!" Needless to say, It was a lot of fun. I HAD NO IDEA SEX WAS SO GREAT!
Just kidding. So we are singing and dancing on this subway train (surprisingly full for 5 am) and people are clapping and asking us to keep singing. But it was our stop so, later! ( I told a man I would give him a shout out on my blog, I do not remember his name.. perhaps Dan.. If you are there Dan.. I didn't lie to you.. SHOUT OUT!)
We wait for the next train for a full hour... and meet one of the most sad people of our trip, not emotionally... you'll see. He asks me how to get to prospect park, seeing as how he is standing at the map, I assume he doesn't know where that is. I then come to find that he is pointing at it..... So I say, well you take the A or the C down 6 stops and get off on the S and take that to prospect park. He repeats this to himself for about a minute before asking again. A process that would repeat itself for the full hour. In between when he was asking me for directions, he would openly ogle women who were looking at him... quite loudly. " OH WOW, Look at that ASS. I want to hit that, but I'm married( looking at me) You should go for her man!! (looks back at her) She's ugly"........ keep in mind she was standing only 10 feet away and was listening.... I laughed hysterically, but I felt so horrible.
WE got on the train, and went home. It was now 6 am and the sun was about to come up. We looked at each other with a huge smile. We still had another day left. We didn't think anything could top what we had just done, but.... we were wrong.
Part 2 to come tomorrow.
Josh
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)