Child Abuse?

I once was force fed spaghettios by my abusive babysitter. I told her "Mary K, I'm full"  to which she responded " I made it, you eat it!" .. It was sort of muffled through the rolls of fat that gently hung from her cheeks. so really I just heard, " I'm obese! I'm obese My chin butt makes more sound than my larynx" (Can you tell I'm still bitter about this?). Anyway, I continued to eat.

Vom-it

Literally gallons of fluid were dispensed from my small 4 year old body, It made a 4x4 stain on the carpet that I was forced to clean for the remainder of the day. The other punishment was that I was not allowed to go outside for a MONTH!!!

Slowly, within the depths of my soul I began plotting my revenge.

Actually if you want to know the truth, I had already been plotting my revenge for some time. You see, a year earlier her equally obese 16 year old daughter whose heart beat only to the drum of Satan and her equally heartless flat chested bean pole 15 year old sister had instilled a very large sense of paranoia in me. This is what happened.
I saw it. A small yellow plastic tub with the familiar logo of three arrows in the shape of a triangle. "Oh I wonder what they are going to do with that recycling bin" pondered I.  I was quickly snapped out of my naivety by the feeling of that same bin hitting me in the face. I fell to the ground and the recycling bin was placed conveniently over my body. LARD-ROLL (thats the fat daughter) then sat on this recycling bin. I remained underneath for 30 minutes. All the while violently screamed and attempting to lift the bin upwards. But alas, My leverage was poor and LARD-ROLL was immense....

Another time I was playing fight with this kid, and he was holding up an hourglass as a shield. Naturally as the Knight that I was, I had to find a way to disarm him and make his shield disappear, thereby decreasing the risk of losing my life and increasing the chance of a kill for Queen HENRY! I kicked the hourglass out of his hands, but I was spotted. And swatted. I was spanked a total of  either 9 or 16 times.. I don't remember exactly which, but it was one of those two, for this nonviolent act. Mary Kay then explained to my father that the other boy " Was just looking at the hourglass minding his own business, when all of the sudden Josh comes and kicks it away." You could see the heathens best innocent stargazing face as she told the story of the poor boy who lost his hourglass but as soon as she said "kicks it away" her face clenched and became nearly demonic... one pretty evil 4 year old I must have been...

In reality she was just taking her problems out on me. She had a tough life: Her husband was an alcoholic and both her daughters were ugly and one was even fat, and to top that off she was a bitch.... She basically had nothing to be happy about. I can't blame her really.

So this family had revenge coming for a long time.

As soon as I was allowed back outside, I did what any person would have done: I took a huge shit all over her flowers. Not only was this incredibly satisfying, it was also incredibly colorful. It was also the coolest looking poop I had ever seen.  It had green, and grey, and red, and brown! God was on my side that day... That my friends, was the rainbow of justice.

That isn't all though folks. I had been so bewildered and upset by all of her antics that I would not stop.
I also, peed in her kitchen sink, kitchen trashcan, bathroom sink and bathroom trashcan as well as on her Venus fly trap. Then I got her fired and  THEN I got her license to babysit revoked because she kept the blinds closed which is illegal in Virginia.... oops....

Sorry bitch.

I hope she learned her lesson.


Josh


Upcoming topics: "too much honesty.... why don't people ever believe me?"
" HOW TO EAT and POOP at the same time"